Widower faces dilemma over partner’s exclusion from family event

Dear Amy: I’m a widower, and my significant other, “Siena,” is a widow.

Long ago, we dated in college (semi-seriously) for a couple years, but “life” got in the way and we drifted apart.

We married other people. Both of our spouses are deceased.

Decades later, we are now in a wonderful relationship.

Last year I brought Siena to my daughter’s big annual family get-together. We had a great time. We felt welcome (we thought); but this year, it all changed.

I received a text from my daughter inviting me, but not Siena, to the party.

I texted-back, “What about Siena?”

She replied that some of her husband’s family members were uncomfortable with Siena’s attendance.

Here’s the “kicker” … Siena had Polio long ago (as a child), completely paralyzing both of her legs; and she uses long-leg braces and aluminum forearm crutches to walk.

I was told that “some” of last year’s attendees were “worried” that she’d trip over the young children scurrying about, but we believe that wasn’t the real reason.

At last year’s party, somebody asked Siena if she had been vaccinated against polio as a child. She replied that her mother would not allow her to get the polio vaccine. She described it like this: “Even way back then, some people were crazy anti-vaxxers.”

Evidently, there are some (or at least one) anti-vaxxers in my son-in-law’s family; and Siena’s comment must have offended one or more of them.

Or perhaps they just don’t like being around people with disabilities.

We’re just fine not attending the party, but do you think I should have a discussion with my daughter about Siena’s “banishment,” or should I let it slide by to ensure peace with the in-laws?

Siena is convinced that we (I) should just let it go.

What do you think?

– Undecided

Dear Undecided: You could ask your daughter for further clarity regarding “Siena’s” banishment from her home for this event.

(It is possible that these in-laws who are anti-vaccinations are also too delicate, frightened, or offended to confront the consequential reality of a world without vaccination?)

Your daughter might not admit that one or more of her husband’s relatives are in the “crazy anti-vaxxers,” category, but I do think it would be helpful to try to discern how open your daughter is to having a relationship with your partner.

You and Siena are together and so Siena is (basically) coming into your daughter’s family. The same dynamic that has you wanting to keep the peace with your in-laws also extends to your daughter, who should extend kindness toward your partner.

After you ask about this, you should listen to your daughter, and – assuming that she won’t supply a satisfying response, you and Siena should stay home together on this day and then, yes – let it go.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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